I Have a Feeling we're not in Massachusetts anymore...

Everytime I walk or run by Lake Alice, my head is on a swivel in large part due to the "Warning: Do Not Feed Alligators" sign. Oh, so there are alligators present? Can you be a little more specific? When do they come out? Do they have a favorite time of day? Where can I find them?

No answers from the sign. And being a Bostonian with zero practical knowledge of alligators, I'm forced to infer my own conclusions. Since there is such a great buildup as to the presence of alligators everywhere seen in signs, vanity plates, decals, T-shirts, etc. and no real gators are to be found (*gulp*... yet), what else can I do but create my own mental image of these Gainesville Gators? And can I help it if my imagination runs as wild as the hair under Julia Roberts armpit circa 1999? So, hold on...

Perhaps the gators are just sitting at the bottom of the lake, reading their horoscopes in their namesake student newspaper, or maybe they've learned to stand on their hind feet and await the passing of a particularly portley exercise seeker. They either stalk them like a ninja (in full garb), or pull the con-artist 1-2 punch, which would (of course) mean they've also learned to talk...

ALLIGATOR (stepping out from tree): Excuse me, sir! Can you tell me-

FAT GUY (stops "speed" walking with 2 1/2 pound weights and turns): Whaaaa??? Ain't you an alligator??

ALLIGATOR (quickly closing in on prey): Why yes, yes I-CHOMP.

Since people are not as dumb as they seem and since you can only seek out so many out of shape exercise seekers (particularly right after New Year's), alligators must learn new ways to keep out of the periphery of human eyes, yet still perfect the attack. Why not take some notes from their predator brethren? In particular, large cats (no... not Maine coons), but leopards, lions, panthers, etc.

Can you imagine an alligator stalking its prey from the bough of a tree? How did it get up there? I DON'T KNOW. And how will it come down? Not with anyone's help... that is for sure.

Yet still, alligators could take a page from the book of their ancestors - DINOSAURS. They could watch prey from overgrown vegetation, and their added advantage is being low to the ground. Back in the Jurassic period, they would call that move "the tricky bastard". Picture it... a runner, walker or cyclist could be coming up on a "partially exposed log" and note that one of the logs eyes just blinked... curious.

"Cle-ver girl!" you would have just enough time to exclaim, before CHOMP.

Bottom line... I would feel much safer on this campus if I could be armed with some comforts of home... a musket, perhaps... a pack of freakishly large squirrels... maybe an extra pinchy lobster, and of course a three corner hat.