If you've seen it... you know... yikes. If you haven't seen it... stop reading this.
My mind was spinning well after exiting the theatre and I wished on a unicorn's horn that I could share my ideas and questions concerning survival techniques with two of the greatest survivalists of our time - Bear Grylls and Harriet Tubman. Obviously, due to issues of proximity and mortality, my strong ideas on fight or flight fell on my sister's ears. We both agreed that the CORRECT, and often times ne'er represented response to a giant monster shatting out parasitic spiders is FLIGHT... yes, flight... not trekking deeper into Manhattan to find a one night stand whose life light doesn't seem to be shining too brightly due to a voicemail stating "she can't move". Oh, you can't move? Well, I can... so let me tell you what I'm going to do... I'm going to break into a store, get me some Asics or New Balance since they are the superior running sneakers and I'm going to run as far as I can go before I GIVE A FUCK.
Seeing as that is not what our protagonist, Rob did... and clearly a movie about running away would not be worth $41 million on its opening weekend, I've simplified and sugar-coated the correct responses to disastrous scenarios in case there IS a godzilla or the Earth goes spinning off of its axis, or whatever fears widely held during the 1950's come to fruition:
Scenario #1: A giant monster attacks the city YOU live in.
INCORRECT RESPONSE:
Start your video confessional... "I really hate it when monsters attack, it's like... when people only leave a little bit of milk in the carton, it just... it just really sucks!! I mean... finish it all, or throw it away... I need more than a drop for my Cocoa Puffs!!"
CORRECT RESPONSE:
Get the FUNK outta there!!!
CORRECT RESPONSE ALTERNATIVE:
Call up an old friend...
Scenario #2: You find yourself face to face with an otherworldly creature.
INCORRECT RESPONSE:
Keep filming.
CORRECT RESPONSE:
Soil yourself.
Scenario #3: During a zombie attack, you find one of your close friends has been bit and will transform before your very eyes in mere moments.
INCORRECT RESPONSE:
Embrace their new changes... this isn't like that time they decided to go emo.
CORRECT RESPONSE:
Cut your losses and run... sorry, fucker!
2 comments:
What happens if you suddenly find yourself in New Jersey with Tom Cruise and the aliens that have buried themselves in our soil millions of years ago wake up and start to attack? What happens then??
I'll gladly answer... INCORRECT response: hitch a ride with him and his screaming daughter in their minivan.
CORRECT RESPONSE: Use Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning as human shields and head north to the promised land (Boston).
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