Story Time

Back in October, I co-wrote and AD'ed a Halloween themed sketch show called "A Nightmare on Wells Street"... get it? Because The Second City is on North and Wells!
Cleveerrrr.
Well, we had a website and I wrote up a re-telling of the "terrifying" (to 2nd graders) tale of "The Girl with the Green Ribbon" ... enjoy!



There once was a young lady who wore a green ribbon around her neck. She never took it off – not ever.
One day, she met a young man who fell in love with her.
On their first date he asked, “why do you wear that green ribbon?”
The girl said, “I’ll tell you someday… but not today”
After they were married, the young man asked again, “will you tell me now why you wear that green ribbon all the time?”
Again she answered, “I’ll tell you someday… but not today”
Over the years, the young lady and the young man became an old lady and an old man. The old lady with the green ribbon around her neck fell ill one winter and lay in bed, dying.
She called for her husband, and when he sat by her side she said, “Now… I will show you why I wear this green ribbon all the time”
She slowly untied the ribbon and let it slip from her fingers to the floor.
The old man sat, waiting and watching but nothing happened.
Finally, he said “My love… I’m confused… *why* did you wear that green ribbon all the time?”
The old lady answered, somberly “because it was holding my head onto my neck this entire time”
The old man stood, crossed the room and brought a mirror back to his wife and held it in front of her face.
He pointed to her neck and traced across where the ribbon once was.
“My dear old wife,” he said “there isn’t even a a cut or a bruise on your neck”
“But, my head-” the old woman started, but her husband interrupted her. By this time he was quite cross.
“Your head, is still on top of your neck, dumb-dumb… okay? Where it should be. You can’t fucking live without it attached. I don’t know what kind of shit show you were pulling with this green ribbon nonesense, but I’m sorry to say it’s probably… about 83% of the reason why I fucking married you in the first place. You had an air of mystery, I thought maybe you had a neck tattoo or something… maybe a pirate gave you that ribbon and you had a really great story to tell about it… but no. You thought… that a green motherfucking ribbon held your head onto your neck all these years. Clearly, you’re not very well educated in the basics of human anatomy. Clearly you’re insane, and clearly I’ve wasted the last 52 years of my life living with a crazy person.”
“But, my head-” the old woman tried again.
“Your head is fucked,” the old man said, “I’m outta here… good luck with… all… everything with your… ribbon, there”
The old man stormed out of the bedroom and out of the house and out of the old lady with the green ribbon’s life.
The old lady sat up in her bed, took her green ribbon, tied it around her neck, went downstairs and made herself a cup of tea sprinkled with pepper flakes. Because she was insane, after all.