Without further ado, I give you... an Interview with me as an Old Woman. Enjoy.
Did you see the Hurt Locker?
The WHO locker?
The one directed by Kathryn Bigelow? She's the first female director to be nominated for a Best Director Oscar?
Good for her! I hear with that woman's liberation movement they're burning their brazierres and offering to pay half of the dinner bill!
Okay... Avatar?
I was going to... but then I stopped caring after a week.
Up in the Air?
Is that the one with Rosemary Clooney's nephew?
Precious?
Awww... you're sweet.
Inglourious Basterds?
Watch your mouth! And no! I don't much care for that William Bradley Pitt fellow.
An Education?
...
Up?
YES! Of course! They played that movie at the senior center!
A Serious Man?
I know plenty of serious men, I don't need to see a picture show about them!
The Blind Side?
I liked that movie the first time I saw it... when it was called Radio!*
District 9?
I have it on hold at my local library.**
The Messenger?
Did I ever show you a picture of my granddaughter?
Julie & Julia?
I lived the life of Julia Child when I went through a corn maze of her likeness in Sunderland, Massachusetts. The year was 2007 and I won a gourd for accurately answering questions about her life's work and the foods she made. True story.
A Single Man?
Where??
Crazy Heart?
Come Josephine in my flying machine, and it's up she goes... up she goes... hmmm hmm hmmm... what?
You were singing. Uhhh... The Last Station?
Never heard of it!
Invictus?
No, but I feel obligated to see it since I've been to South Africa.
What about Nine?
I can't see Nine.
Why not?
Because I'd be cheating on Chicago...
Star Trek?
Star YES. Beam me up.
Oh my God, uhhh... Fantastic Mr. Fox?
I am not cool enough to watch that movie. They turned me away at the thee-ay-ter because my hair had been freshly washed and I was not wearing skinny jeans.
The Lovely Bones?
Why would I want to see a movie about a book that made me feel like crap?
The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus?
What? Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium?
No, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus.
Dr. Quirkey's Good Time Emporium?
No.
Fun 'n Games on rt. 9 in Natick?
God... what about In the Loop?
Sounds like a pornographic film.
It's not... what about The Young Victoria?
This is a movie I want to see... but first I need to drum up the strength to overcome my jealousy of Emily Blunt's good fortune for being engaged to John Krasinski. I've said it once... I'll say it again... all is lost, marry another.
The Cove?
Watching a movie about dolphin slaughtering in Japan is like watching a movie about Justin Timberlake getting pharyngitis and breaking both his legs... it's like watching a movie where a box of kittens turn to maggots... it's like a movie proving the non-existence of unicorns...
That's enough.
Sorry.
That's okay... what about The Princess and the Frog?
I respect what they're doing... kicking it old school, but for me the only true version of this tale was from Faerie Tale Theatre featuring Shelley Duvall.
* - I didn't really see Radio at all.
** - By "on hold at my local library", I mean "on my Netflix queue"
3 comments:
To throw my hat into the Old Person Reviews:
"The Blind Side"
The book was sooo much better.
I thought this was the To - See 25 movies of all time so I was like 'Is 'A Star is Born' included?' Because it's about you, but no, it's for this year. Too bad Leap Year wasn't included, eh? EH??.
You won a prize after an a-maze-ing journey in Sunderland, Mass, and you never told me about it?
I love stories like that! I will call later for full details...
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